Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Halloween Safety tips

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even just for kicks.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits, just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look round.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're absolutely sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them off them immediately. You'll thank yourself later.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're already in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. Also, California and Ohio are good spots to avoid this and every other time of year. I mean, the answer's in the question.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, nail guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. (It's a toss-up. We know.) This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad, committed suicide, died in some horrible fashion, OR had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

19. (And perhaps the most important..) Always get out as soon as the scary music starts playing.

2 comments:

Sadekat said...

LOL Love it!

Vikki said...

I thought it was too funny and wanted to share... the last one is my own personal motto. If scary music starts for no reason at all.... I always get the heck out of Dodge...giggle